Friends are an intricate part of our life. Our relationship with them can teach us invaluable lessons. The Lord blessed me with those with who I have cultivated an unbreakable bond. We share anything, and after the conclusion of the conversation, we are refreshed and encouraged. Beloved, what happens when you have a friend who always complains, dwells on the negative, and gossips? (Proverbs 26:20; Ephesians 4:29; Philippians 2:14-15). Every time you ask how she is, she pours out her pain, distress, and anger. She goes on and on while you can barely say a word. By the end of the conversation, you feel depleted, and you need a moment to yourself. How do you let her know how you feel without hurting her feelings? Well, this may be harder to do because no matter what you say, she is likely to take it personally and become offended.
At the beginning of this month, I faced this situation, and a friend I have known for over forty years cut all ties with me. Though we never talked every month, each moment we did, she magnified her problems. Now, we both spent time-sharing, but I made none of my issues a lifetime conversation. A day came when I no longer focused on those circumstances but glorified God for what He was doing. We even shared our faith. Now, the Lord had been quickening my spirit to tell such friends; If I don’t ask, don’t tell me. It was easier said than done because I did not want to hurt their feelings.
Several months ago, she started again, with kindness, I said I did not want her to share that with me. Then earlier this month, she did this again. Now, as she was about to tell me some awful report she heard on the news, with respect, I said, I did not want to hear that. Her demeanor changed, as it did before, and she cut the conversation and hung up. The next day, she texted and cut ties with me. In response, I asked if she knew that everything we speak, she dwells on the bad things. She claimed I lived in a spiritual bubble, and it is how I treat others regardless of whether they are a Christian or a sinner. I reminded her I am Christ-like, and I rather speak of His goodness than dwell on negative things all the time. (Philippians 4:8). Then, I thanked her for her years of friendship. I encouraged her to be herself, even if that is cutting ties with me.
That said, we need to define what friendship is all about. In any conversation, you should feel free to express yourself. But this does not mean that your friend is the place you dump your problems every time you talk to her. Sometimes you may need to vent, but if this is a routine occurrence, then there are other issues to address within yourself. Have you ever considered asking how it leaves the recipient feeling when you unleash your burdens on her? Have you thought that maybe this week she is going through something? (Proverbs 12:25). So, this is not the day to hear your same old complaints?
What about talking about something other than your troubles or being a busybody in the affairs of others? What makes you assume it is Ok to spend each conversation grumbling, playing the victim, and breaching the confidence someone has in you? One thing is for sure, any woman who does this shows me who I cannot trust. (Proverbs 11:13; 20:19; 1 Timothy 5:13). If you tell me about other people's business, what will you do if I inform you of my business?
Beloved, if you need advice or to unburden your care, I will be there for you. Now, I will not put the fire out. But I will walk with you through the fire by encouraging, correcting, and empowering you. Everybody knows if you always allow someone to cast all their burdens on you, they will not grow and overcome. Still, if you continue to linger in this time of despair, I shall not keep permitting you to dump your garbage on me.
Beloved, the issue here is not me, but you. Instead of developing a healthy relationship, you take advantage of her kindness and time. You think because she said nothing, her silence permitted you to be her garbage disposal. Just because she did not say anything does not mean she did not want to say anything. She was thinking more of you than you were of her.
True friends last for a lifetime because there is a degree of trust, mutual respect, and kindness. We will not part ways over petty or significant differences. Years ago, I asked the Lord to bless me with friends who would hold me accountable for my actions. He did just that through five extraordinary women. I shared with them the most intimate details of my life, and they never betrayed my trust. We have been there for each other through our roughest seasons and the grandest times. One remains alive today and we have been friends for over thirty years. We express what is in our hearts with grace and dignity and continue being friends.
Nobody has to go against their inherent nature to be accepted. Neither is better than the other, so we need to appreciate our likenesses and differences without forcing someone to accept something she does not like. Beloved, celebrate those unique qualities and not let them tear you apart. Besides, your friendship does not demand a duplicate of you. But it requires each one to be sensitive to your feelings and see things from the perspective of the other. Then you will learn something that can help you grow in an area you feel you do not need to change. You shall discover she is not disloyal, but she is trying to encourage you to be everything God created you to be. She wants to bring out the best in you.
Genuine friends do not have to agree on everything. Nor will we like everything our friends does. The fact that we are two different women is proof we will not see everything the same. Here are six principles to resolve the conflict over our differences and aid us in communicating better.
1. We can, with respect, agree to disagree. There is no need to be offended because my opinions are the opposite of yours. You value her and respect her enough to know when not to overwhelm her with your issues.
2. We also understand that there are some things she will not want to know. Be sensitive and thoughtful instead of selfish and thoughtless.
3. Even when she cannot speak at that time does not indicate she does not care. Are you always available to her?
4. Like I told this friend, I do not need anyone updating me on the terrible things they hear in the news. Because as much as terrible happens every day, so do good things.
5. We can broaden our communications to something other than gossip and hardships. Besides, a good word of encouragement leaves the heart at peace.
6. Each of us is on a different level. We both have strengths and weaknesses. You may be more vulnerable in an area where somebody is confident. Allow their resilience and wisdom to help you grow in that area. It can only make you a wiser woman.
Who gave you the authority to make someone like everything you like? Or want to talk about only what you want to discuss? We need a level of balance; so we are not draining our friends because we spend too many hours on discouragement and not empowerment. Above all, we should speak the truth, in love, even when it is hard to do. (Ephesians 4:15). There cannot be one set of rules for you and another for her. Now, what kind of friendship is it when all the focus is on your needs?
Beloved, ask yourself these questions. When you leave my presence, do you feel encouraged or discouraged? Do you feel better or worse? I want people to feel better than they did before spending time with me. (Philippians 2:3-4). Anybody burdened, I hope their burden lifted and to receive relief and freedom. Those who are in darkness will see the light beyond their pain. Anyone who is confused shall gain clarity and understanding. Even the angry person should experience the peace of God that heals their heart. Those who gossip and complain shall be convicted and stop being self-centered and a busybody. The person who overthinks gets insight that sets their mind at ease. If you feel worse after talking to me, then you should stop contacting me. If I cannot be a source of encouragement and inspiration, then; what good am I to you?
Beloved, I am not the garbage disposal, and during any conversation, I make sure my friend receives the Word of truth that comes to set them free. I want to pour into them the love of God so, after leaving my presence, they will never be the same.
QUESTION FOR REFLECTION:
Now, I gave six principles to strengthen our relationships. Which one affected you the most? What other suggestions would you add to the list?
I pray the inspirational musical selection Friends by Michael W. Smith stirs your heart and faith in God.
Can you help encourage someone today? Beloved, tell us how this devotional inspired you? Please hit that heart, share, and comment.
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