Photo: Yes, this is my amazing daughter and grandchildren.
I absoultely love being a mother. Likewise, I am grateful to have a beautiful relationship with my daughter. Still, it has not always been as it is now. When she was a child, we were inseparable, and then she entered middle school, and our relationship changed. Like many parents, I saw her develop friendships with some who did not have a good influence on her life. (1 (Corinthians 15:33, AMP). Though I do not blame them for her choices because I raised her to be accountable for her actions, their beliefs and lack of values affected our relationship.
During summer breaks from school, I always went home to spend time with my parents. On one of those incredible visits, my mother gave me some excellent advice I will pass down to you: When your kids are grown, you have to let them live their lives. It was and still is the best counsel on parenting I have ever received. So, being transparent with our children is crucial for meaningful relationships. I could talk to my mother and Big Mama about anything, and both made me feel loved and valuable. That special bond I developed with them has made me into the woman of God I have become. Now that I am a parent, one goal is to be open and honest with my daughter while instilling the importance of respect, morals, and a genuine relationship with God.
As you might have discovered, children are resilient and know more than we give them credit. They pay attention to everything and catch on easier than we realize. They absorb things like a sponge and have long-term memory. Likewise, they want us to be open and honest with them as we expect them to practice these principles. Beloved, be transparent with them to build a healthy and wholesome relationship based on mutual respect, honesty, and good communication.
Being transparent can be a challenge because some things we would rather them not know. Still, there are rules and guidelines we must put in place for their safety and well-being. So many parents tend to manipulate their children while pushing them to live up to unrealistic expectations. It only results in driving a wedge between you and your child because, over time, they could grow to resent you. (Colossians 4:6; 3:14). When we are transparent and share what is in our hearts, it helps them see our vulnerability.
Beloved, there is nothing wrong with being in a place where you experience pure and honest communication with your child because it creates a healthy and loving relationship. It sets the stage for them to copy and paste your example and develop strong relations with others. It forges a bridge whereby they understand the importance of integrity, loyalty, and responsibility.
Being transparent means somebody is honest, open, and authentic in communication and behavior. You do not hide your feelings or intentions from others, even if they are vulnerable or uncomfortable. (1).
Benefits of Transparency with
Young Children
Our children should want to come and talk to us about anything and know they can trust us to keep their confidence. Still, communication involves listening as well. In the same way, if you want them to listen to you, you need to listen to them. Granted, they need to approach you with respect and reverence. Be prepared because their worldview is different from yours. And it is shaped by their friends and social media. So, be open-minded and not judgmental. Besides, they are children, and they go through stages of development. Their interests last for a short while. Then, they move on to something different. Be patient with them because you too, are a work in progress.
One good quality of transparency is the ability to do so without taking what others do personally. You do not judge them because they act and think differently than you. It makes it easier for them to come and confide in us. If they feel you will judge and condemn them, they will find other means to settle matters. My Friend, those different ways will most likely not be with those with the values, morals, and principles you raised your son or daughter with.
Question 1: Transparency is crucial for building healthy relationships with our children. What are some healthy ways to make it more comfortable for our children to talk to us ?
Rewards of Transparency with Teens
Teens are loyal to a fault to their friends. And they have the most influence on them. So, how do we embed transparency in them without manipulating them? It goes back to imparting principles that influence your sons and daughters even when they are not in your presence. Likewise, you do this without preaching hell and brimstone to them. You lead by example, so be transparent and share some of the times you messed up. Stop acting as if you never made a mistake or a decision you lived to regret.
Sure, there is a difference between a mistake and outright doing something you knew was wrong. However, some of those stories of your childhood can teach them valuable lessons. You should be selective in when and how you present them because some information they do not need to hear. Still, when you are authentic, you build a better connection with your teenager.
They need to know our past is as important as our present because it helps shape our future. So, when they experience challenges you have overcome, that could be a grand time to share your story. I use this approach with my daughter regarding my grandchildren. I do not interfere with my daughter’s life. Still, the Holy Spirit has taught me how to approach her about any concerns. Instead of telling her what I feel she should do, I tell her a story from my past or ask questions.
I recall one night, I had gotten up for a drink of water, and JT was still up. It was late, and he had school the next day. I asked my daughter; doesn’t he have school tomorrow? And I went back to bed. Guess what? She sent him to bed. Now, I could have started to act like I was his mother and made her feel bad about allowing him to be up so late. Yet, I took another approach, and it was effective. See what happens when you let the Holy Spirit guide you?
Jesus did the same whenever the Pharisees, Scribes, and Sadducees attached his teaching methods. His character was flawless, so they could never find fault in it. Yet, they always came after Him regarding His teachings and actions. Let us look at a few examples in Scripture. On the Sabbath, His disciples were hungry and went through the wheat fields, picked some, and ate them. The Pharisees said they were doing what was unlawful on the Sabbath.
Jesus reminded them of how David and those with him did when they were hungry. They went into the House of God and ate the consecrated bread, though this was only for the priests. Christ warned them that they did not understand something greater was here than the temple. Likewise, they did not know what it meant when He said, I desire mercy, and not sacrifice,’ you would not have condemned the guiltless. For the Son of Man is Lord, of the Sabbath.” (Matthew 12: 1-8, ESV).
Then Jesus walked into their synagogue, and a man with a withered hand was there. They asked him if it was lawful to heal on the Sabbath. They wanted to accuse Christ. So, he asked, if their sheep fell into a pit on the Sabbath, would they not lift it out of the pit? How much more value is a man than a sheep? Then He asked, is it lawful to do good on the Sabbath? His actions left them speechless because they knew Jesus had done nothing wrong. Jesus had the man to hold out his hand and heal his hand. Still, the Pharisees used these selfless actions to accuse the Lord. (Matthew 12:9-14).
When a parent starts giving their children unasked-for advice about their parenting skills, they feel you are saying they are not competent. They become defensive because they believe you are saying they are not a good enough mother or father. The results are never good for your relationship with them. None of us are perfect parents. However, some have done a pretty good job training their children how to live a godly life. (Proverbs 22:6, AMP). We must trust that those valuable principles we taught them will overrule worldly influences. Likewise, when they make unwise choices, remind ourselves we have done the same. Then, our reaction would be grace and mercy, not judgment and condemnation.
Question #2: What would be the most challenging topic that you would discuss with your children? How would you approach this conversation with your family?
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Still, some teens will challenge your authority and push their limits. You may respond on the defensive and create more tension. Yet, when you explain why you responded to a particular behavior that you viewed as unacceptable, also give them clear ideas on what they could expect from you and what you expect from them. When my daughter was in high school, I was a Substitute Teacher. I expected her to act like she had been raised right because she had been. (Deuteronomy 11:18-19). So, when the opportunity presented itself, I spoke to her teachers.
Regarding her behavior, I told her, “If you do not want me to show up at your classroom and embarrass you, do not give me a reason to come. I had instructed her to use her breaks, such as breakfast and lunch, to socialize and, when she got to class, to pay attention. Unless she raised her hand or a specific reason, she did not need to be talking while the instructor was teaching. One time I stopped by, except for her talking too much during class, her teacher gave me a good report.
One day during my Prep, I stopped by her classroom and got permission from her teacher to speak to Jos. I took her aside and addressed her calmly without yelling or acting unbecoming. While some might think that I embarrassed my child in front of the class, and it was not kind. That was not my intention. During class time, she made an unwise decision and knew the consequences of her actions. Besides, I do not attack my child’s self-esteem. And I always give her the utmost respect. I am overjoyed to announce that my actions were a resounding success.
So, let us teach them to own their mistakes. When we admit that we are wrong, it ministers to their soul. Likewise, we should acknowledge when we do not know something because we are not omniscient. Only God is all-knowing. Parents are still learning, and sometimes we learn from them. These are other means to be transparent. It leads to collaborating to solve problems. Sometimes, we do not have the answer, so we need to pray about it. Explain to them that you must think about this and discuss it later. Then, come back to the issue with a reasonable answer. Sometimes, they will not like our answer, but we must do what is best for our teens, even when this is hard.
Do Not Attack Their Friends
Though you may not like how their friends influence them, use wisdom to talk to them about those friends. They might view it as you are attacking them and saying they do not have sound judgments in selecting their friends. When all they hear is you criticizing their friends, it pushes them closer to those you want your son or daughter to stay away from. Parents must set boundaries on what they will and will not allow. (1 Corinthians 15:33-34; :Proverbs 12:26; 13:20; 18:24; 22:24-25). 22:2erbs 12:26; 13:20; 18:24
Still, try to point out some good you see in their friends. Then, with tact and skill, use examples you have seen and ask questions rather than saying mean things about their friends. It does not mean they will not remain friends with the person. However, trust that you have trained your child to have common sense. Reassure them they can talk to you about anything.
Transparency is a field of gold only when we are honest with our children. When we are transparent, we teach our children to be trustworthy instead of manipulative and deceitful. Children do not like it when they feel we keep secrets from them. They think we have something to hide, and they may take matters into their own hands. The results might cause them not to trust us anymore. Once we lose that trust, it is hard to get it back. Granted, we must use wisdom in what we share and when we do so. Beloved, we must show them how to develop strong relationships by being direct with others out of empathy, effective communication, openness, and accountability.
Question 3: How can you discuss your concerns about your children's friends you think may have a bad influence on them without offending your children?
I pray the song, As For Me and My House by Hope Darst, stirs your heart to see the importance of being transparent with your children.
TIME FOR REFLECTION: There is something in your past you want to share with your children, but you are unsure how they may react. What have you learned from this article that makes you more comfortable having this conversation with your children? Please share your answers in the comments, hit that heart, and share.
